She/They: On the Tensions of a Black Non-Binary Femme-hood
Part of being lonely is being an outlier. Loneliness can be a fuel, a mirror; a powerful place for development and self-understanding. It can also be isolating, having no one else to talk to and affirm who you are and what you believe.
Meaningful Work
For a second, good news doesn’t feel so good when you can’t share it with the someone you want to share it with the most. Today would have been my dad’s 73rd birthday. And I’m feeling deeply connected to him in this time of transition and revelation.
Histories
Over the last few years, I’ve started pressing record whenever my grandmother enters the room. A small brown woman, toasted almond brown from an afternoon nap in the sun, perched amongst a cloud of decorative pillows poised for comfort or stability. There’s always a story in her eyes, an “I know more than I’m saying right now” look in swimming behind her stylized spectacles.
Black Woman, Interrupted
I’ve been trying to wade through the deep sea of interruptions, the toll I pay economically, socially, spiritually, mentally, and generationally to be a proud Black woman.
For Audre and Toni
She gave me anger, glory, goodness, resistance, and love in the tragedies she surmounted. She unfolded my girlhood so that I could be woman today.
The Return of the Lonely Black Girl
This is in part a confession: I’ve called myself lonely and I realized I haven’t been.
Fear
If I can’t see what’s ahead for 2 miles, I’m definitely going into defensive granny mode. Especially at night. I’m one to slow down for every shadow and unseen curve.
This has been pretty true of the way I move throughout my life every day. I have a comparably low tolerance for uncertainty and chaos. I love spontaneity but only when it’s at a controlled pace. I want to call it to caution but it’s really just fear; fear that can sometimes cause me to forget how beautiful the chaos of life can be. And how often that chaos brings you to a person or thing that you love.
Entanglement Theory
I have this running theory that we’re all still connected. Some stronger than others. It’s really not my theory, it’s biblical, or at least partly religious. Essentially emotional, physical, mental connections with another person form unspoken bonds.
Thoughts on Tennis
The capacity and strength to process your way through, allowing yourself to feel all the frustration, all the anger, all the fear to fuel a greater blooming. This is more than finding a silver lining. It’s about accepting the feels as they come, allowing them to wash over you, to consume you, and then finding your consciousness within the emotional climax, channeling it into something new.
Self-Celebration
May 20 was supposed to be a day that celebrated the closing of my chapter at NYU: holding commencement ceremonies with my family, friends, and peers. Instead, it’s a day that represents healing and a deeply reflective self-celebration.
On Black Optimism and Other Forms of Magic
Black Optimism that offers an even brighter stain of hope on this grueling exploration of Black/Human. Blackness is “walking in another world while passing through this one.” It is a state of disorientation, of being and unbeing at once.
Black Girl in Berlin
I’ve been in Berlin for 6 weeks, living and working as a part of my master’s fellowship. There aren’t many Black women, let alone Black Germans.
Lonely in New York
It’s been a while since I’ve been here. I’ve been hiding in plain sight. How many people have added this chapter to their journey? Coming to New York for self-discovery, for a revelation of purpose and destiny.
Origins of Blackness
My summers on Staunton Avenue with my family and Paul Laurence Dunbar socialized attitudes about Blackness that continue to be a source of pride. The performance of Blackness was inextricably linked with intellect, beauty, humor, and (historic and immediate) community. These would be the initial influences of not only the way I viewed myself as Black but also how I viewed other Black people. Eventually, this notion of self would be challenged by encounters with the outside, non-Black world.
Alone, Together
One of the things that can be most frustrating about being alone is that your refuge is in your head. You go through these ridiculous loops with yourself. It’s almost a form of insecurity, eating you from the inside out. You are hyper-aware of yourself when you’re alone–more of that me against the world mentality that turns your sound reasoning into mush. Fortunately, I was able to release a little bit of that paranoia for long enough to get a bit of hope for the future.
Introducing the Lonely Black Gal
Being the Lonely Black Gal is that state of duality: wanting to be alone and being forced into isolation. Knowing that your solitude is both curated and necessary.